Santa baby,silent women and shrews: eroticism and convention in 'epicoene' and 'measure for measure.' pull me closer.
You've definitely heard The Chainsmokers' hit bangers this year, but you may not know that they are our boyfriends. Probably because we are the only ones talking about it for some weird reason, but whatever.
This holiday season, Drew and Alex are going to have to crush it with gifts in order to win back our affection after refusing our Venmo requests.
SEE ALSO: Why The Chainsmokers are wrong to refuse my Venmo requestHere are things we would like our boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, to buy us for Christmas -- many of which are conveniently available at gas stations and women's health clinics.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Famously, I requested money from The Chainsmokers on Venmo. At first, they rejected the request, but then they sent me $5. However, they have more songs, and I'd like to buy them, so sending me $1.29 is still a good gift.
Price: $1.29
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Driving around the city in a broke down car will be much less anxiety-inducing knowing I have reliable access to roadside assistance.
Price: $67 for a one year membership, including the enrollment fee. But as I'm sure Drew Taggart would say, my safety is priceless.
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I, regrettably, was not at Dunkin' Donuts with The Chainsmokers for the historic moment when they became Grammy nominees, but I would like recreate the scenario ASAP.
Price: At least $5 so I can can get a seasonally appropriate beverage and an off-brand cronut, but preferably somewhere between $20-$100.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable I'm not saying I started smoking cigarettes because The Chainsmokers made it seem cool before I found out that they don't even smoke, but I would like some nicotine gum for Christmas.
Price: $34.35
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable For making out with my boyfriends, The Chainsmokers.
Price: $6
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable For pool parties in Tuscon.
Price: $10
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable We ain't ever getting older with the help of Aveeno products!
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable The perfect beach read to go with my new anti-aging cream from my boyfriends, The Chainsmokers.
Price: $6.99
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable An affordable, chill option for my favorite erogenous zone, my shoulder.
Price: $4.99
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable So I can text my friends as many of the relevant lyrics from The Chainsmokers as I want.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Stealing mattresses sucks and there’s a lot of effort and guilt that goes into that, so maybe I can just buy myself a new one instead.
Price: Up to you and your generous wallet
Are you even a band if Sarah Hyland hasn’t covered you? No.
Her “Closer” cover shines, so maybe burn a copy onto a CD with that Maroon 5 cover too so I can listen to it when I’m not listening to “Roses” on repeat.
Price: However much you paid for that old blank CD in your desk drawer
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable So I can prank all my friends and make them chug some Smirnoff Ice at my next house party!
Price: $8.95
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable I would love to rep a great school in a great town that totally deserved that shout out in a great song. There's nothing I love more than higher education, and The Chainsmokers and I have that in common.
Price: $34.99
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable I’d imagine this is what The Chainsmokers do when they have free time backstage, so I want to do it too.
Price: $97
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable It’s easy to work up a sweat when I dance around my room to but with The Chainsmokers sports bra, I would have all the support I need.
Price: $32
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable What else am I gonna do when I tailgate The Chainsmokers concerts?
Price: $17.21
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Because the frickin’ funniest movie of all time isn’t on Netflix, I’m gonna need my boyfriends to buy me this so we can Blu-ray and Chill.
Price: $7.59
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable It's important that I stay safe with my boyfriends.
Price: $14.99
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable I will use this for the cover charge at a well-known NYC speakeasy themed club, where I could be photographed with my boyfriends.
Price: $10
MIAMI, FL - MAY 10: In this photo illustration, capsules of the drug Kratom are seen on May 10, 2016 in Miami, Florida. The herbal supplement is a psychoactive drug derived from the leaves of the kratom plant and it's been reported that people are using the supplement to get high and some states are banning the supplement. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images) Credit: joe raedle/Getty Images Now I’ll be able to stay focused as I do close readings of the lyrics to Closer. “Ooh, is this lyric about me?” is something I might say while I do my close readings.
Price: Depends on the prescribed dosage and their insurance plan, which, despite my constant begging, they refuse to grant me access to.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable I’ve got a contest to win, baby! And when I win, I won’t just win for myself, but for my boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, too.
Price: $14
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable What I wouldn’t give to shred down a mountainside while I scream, “I love my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers!”
Price: $24.99
BERLIN - APRIL 08: The digital mammomat is seen at the mammamobil on April 8, 2008 in Berlin, Germany. At the mobile mammogram service, patients can receive a mammogram checkup. A mammogram is an image of the breast produced by mammography which is performed to detect breast cancer. (Photo by Andreas Rentz/Getty Images) Credit: andreas rentz/Getty Images This will prove that no one cares more about women's health than The Chainsmokers.
Price: Unspecified, again due to insurance plans...
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable I will never put my arms in this shirt, but I will tie it around my waist every single day. It’s a good look and I want to look good for my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers.
Price: $30
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable For snackin' with my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, duuuuuh!
Price: $3.14
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable When I listen to the bangers of my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, I can get a little hungry. And the food their jams make me crave the most is just a big ol' loaf of white bread.
Price: $1-100? The Chainsmokers likely have no idea how much bread costs.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Weird that The Chainsmokers are Snapchatting from a party I definitely was not invited to at 3 a.m. and are also in bed right beside me.
Price: $20 each, as well as the rights to the photos of The Chainsmokers I will have printed on the pillow.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable 2016 was the year of realizing that the Chainsmokers are my boyfriends.
Price: $35
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable The hottest gift of the season is the Mug With A Hoop, so it only makes sense that my boyfriends get it for me.
Price: $24.00
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