【pain and eroticism】

When it comes to greasy,pain and eroticism messy, comfort food, Taco Bell is a champion.

For years, Cheesy Gordita Cruches, Doritos Locos Tacos and Crunch Wrap Supremes have filled a tiny corner of our stomachs that only grease and absurd culinary collaborations could fill.

The Naked Chicken Chalupa should be the continuation of that legacy. But – hot take – it isn't all that great.

Consuming this thing should have been an adventure. But it's kind of like if Bilbo Baggins got to the end of the Shire, said, "That's quite enough for me," and turned back toward home. But I wanted to go all the way to The Lonely Mountain and back.

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I wanted to be wowed. I wanted it to taste so good I'd want five more, but know in my heart that I could not possibly handle that. Honestly, I wanted to walk away hating myself for eating it.

I had no such feelings of guilt, or accomplishment. No, this is not the Taco Bell version of KFC's Double Down. It's disappointingly pedestrian.

The shell doesn't really taste at all like authentic fried chicken – it's more like a chicken patty you'd get in a school cafeteria. The spicy breading is interesting, but the intensity of the heat overwhelms any other flavor, most notably the avocado ranch.

Hence, a fateful decision was made – I set out to make the Naked Chicken Chalupa even more insane than it already sounded.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

1. Naked Chicken Chalupa + Taco Meat

I was actually under the impression that traditional taco beef was one of the ingredients in the Naked Chicken Chalupa, but I was mistaken.

So for my first creation, I threw in the beef, and also included some sour cream since the NCC does nothave a "supreme" option – yet another drawback.

These additions were definitely an improvement on the original, but it didn't quite trigger the self-loathing I was looking for. I could probably eat a couple of these and feel very little guilt and zero regret.

That's a positive thing in most cases, but this version still isn't as off-the-wall as it should be.

And besides, it's still missing something.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

2. Naked Chicken Chalupa + Chips and Queso

Crunch.

That's one of the main things the NCC is lacking.

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This variation definitely helps in that department. Its texture is much more enjoyable than the original, and the chips help to cut a little bit of the heat from the breading. Then again, there's also a bit of spice in Taco Bell's queso, so people who are into that wouldn't be disappointed.

This option is probably the best tasting of all the ones I tried, but it still isn't crazy. To expand on the Hobbitmetaphor, this is like Frodo Baggins leaving the Ring in Rivendell instead of going all the way to Mordor – it's fine, but it's not quite as wild as it could be.

By the same token, if Taco Bell included this option on its menu, I might have to squeeze it into my usual order. It was pretty damn delicious.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

3. Naked Chicken Chalupa + Hard Taco Supreme

This is kind of a combination of the previous two. I emptied out the NCC and wrapped the shell, still dripping with avocado ranch, around a hard taco – supreme, of course.

Think of it as a bastardization of the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

This time, I was on the right track. As I learned with my first option, the combo of beef and chicken is tastier than you'd think, and the crunchiness of the taco shell is a plus. Eating it was a great experience, but I didn't really have any desire to finish it.

The flavor combinations were pleasing, but not quite intense enough. I still kind of wanted to be overwhelmed.

I wasn't there yet, but I had a feeling the next one was going to do the trick.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

4. Naked Chicken Chalupa + Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco Supreme

Folks, we have a winner.

I did the exact same thing as with the previous concoction, but the hard taco was a Doritos Locos Taco instead. I chose Cool Ranch because I thought it might help to cut some of the heat from the chicken shell.

My notion was exactly correct, but the Cool Ranch also helped to bring out a bit more of the avocado ranch sauce. I was never able to taste it before this combo, and it was really wonderful.

An added benefit of using Doritos Locos Tacos is that you have a few options. If you're a sucker for all things spicy, the Firey option could work well for you. The Nacho would probably be downright gross, but that is also kind of the point here.

One of these things is definitely enough for anyone, and finishing it would have been an impressive feat. It's wild, but also tasty and just mildly gross enough to make you want to talk about it a lot. So mission accomplished!

Here's an actual depiction of me getting ready to eat one:

Via Giphy

But I still had one more option to try, and it was pretty weird.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

5. Naked Chicken Chalupa + Fries

Since the pure iteration of the Naked Chicken Chalupa is really just a glorified chicken sandwich without bread, I figured I should treat it as such.

So I popped over to McDonald's, got some fries and threw them in the NCC.

And I gotta say, it was not as good as I wanted it to be. The taste of the fries was lost in the lettuce, tomatoes and cheese and the textures didn't really mix.

A sad lesson to learn, but it was worth a shot.

So at the end of the day, the Naked Chicken Chalupa with a Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco was the best option if you're looking for a wild combo that also tastes great. The only drawback is that the NCC shell isn't big enough to completely cover a traditional hard taco, so the shell is more "naked" than the chicken chalupa is.

But if you're looking for an easy way to shake up your NCC for the better, adding chips and queso will absolutely do the trick.

Either way, it seems like Taco Bell missed an opportunity here. And if they need a taste-tester or someone to invent crazy menu items that are better than this one, I volunteer as tribute.

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