In this most challenging and Massage Parlor Prostitutestumultuous of years, Americans can still count on one thing: The Cleveland Browns sucking at NFL football.
The Browns lost (again) Thursday night, this time 28-7 to the very mediocre Baltimore Ravens. Thus, the franchise defined by its tradition of failure reached unprecedented depths by beginning a season with an 0-10 record for the very first time. The losing streak extends back to last season, too.
Just how bad is it? The Cleveland Browns haven't won a game since the notorious Johnny Manziel (remember him?) was their starting quarterback. Meanwhile, Browns fans are creating slapstick lowlights of their own.
Cleveland, historically the home of cross-discipline American sports futility, has enjoyed a rooting renaissance this year: The Cavaliers won their first-ever NBA championship in June; the Indians just recently came within a game of winning the World Series for the first time since 1948.
But the Browns -- title-less since winning the NFL championship in 1964, three years before it was even called the Super Bowl-- have kept right on losing. At a record a pace, even.
Going back to last season, the Browns have now lost a franchise- record 13 straight games. They've lost 23 or their last 26 contests. They've lost 11 straight season-openers. The last time they won -- Dec. 13, 2015, against the floundering 49ers -- Johnny Manziel started at quarterback.
Manziel has since washed out of the league and been lost in the wilderness as his dad fears the worst about the former college star's party-hearty lifestyle. It feels like an eternity ago that he was still an NFL player -- but that is indeed the last time the Browns won a game.
"We're not going to go 0-16," one player pledged with a straight face recently. Well, OK -- it's important to have goals?
Browns fans -- who call themselves the "Dawg Pound" -- can't even get it right this year. Here's a banner they tried to unfurl in the stands on Oct. 31. Good try, um, Gpodawund.
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So, from the bottom of our hearts to the Cleveland Browns and Cleveland Browns fans: Thank you for being you. It's nice to have at least one rock of stability in this topsy-turvy world.
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